My corporate letter

Last week was my first full week of teaching for the fall, so I ate fast food _____ times. I’m going to leave that space blank because the number is too embarrassing to reveal. This wonderful low calorie tastes like lasagne soup should have had me dropping a pound or so, but alas, the soup does not appear to instantly absorb fast food garbage out of the digestive system. I do, however, have a goodly amount of vegetables in the fridge to eat this week despite a horrific accident that caused half of a veggie tray that I was taking to a party to be dumped into the middle of the street — but that’s an entirely different story.

Back to the fast food.

I’d like to register a complaint. But, I’m too lazy to write a letter to McDonalds and Burger King’s corporate offices, so I’ll just fling the complaint to the blog universe. Maybe if the CEOs of the corporations catch wind of it, they’ll send me free coupons….wait, no, DO NOT send me free coupons. I need to eat my vegetables, so I can get back into my school year pants.

Here’s my complaint: the drive-thru commercials touting the newest menu offering are awkward. For those of you who still fit in your pants, and thus may not know what I’m talking about, here is what happens at the drive thru. You pull up to the speaker. A voice promptly, loudly, and distinctly will blare out, “Hi. Welcome to _________. Do you want to try our new Smores pie, iced tea, smoothie, 4,000 calorie burger….?” You get the idea. Whatever is new to the menu that I might miss in my hurry to get through the drive thru is foisted upon me. So, why is this such a poor idea? Why must this letter be flung to the blogosphere? After all, these commercials give consumers full knowledge of the menu options.

Here is why, you CEOs trolling the blogosphere, I want this practice to stop…

  1. I get confused. When a voice promptly, loudly, and distinctly greets me at the drive thru, I should know I’m getting a canned announcement. After all, the voice was prompt; it was loud, and it was distinct. That rarely happens when a real person greets me at the drive thru. But, still, I get caught off-guard. So, when the first voice, the one that sounds like it belongs to a perky 16 year old cheerleader, is interrupted by the gruff, male voice of the actual human who is going to take my order, I can’t comprehend what is going on. I forget my order, and I’m reduced to sitting there with my head cocked to the side looking like my dog does when I’ve surprised him.
  2. I feel dumb. I, with my impeccable manners, always feel compelled to answer politely when asked by the canned voice, “Hi. Would you like to try our new chicken by-products today?” And, inevitably, I’m halfway through saying, “No, thank you” when the gruff, male voice who is actually going to take my order comes on the speaker and asks, “Hi. What can I get you today?” After I’ve stopped doing my best confused dog impression, I inevitably feel weird. Should I say, “Oh, sorry I was having a conversation with the pre-recorded message” or “Um, wait, I’m confused. I forget my order”? This whole process leaves me feeling awkward almost like when I’m singing and the band busts out a bridge that I’m not ready for, so I start singing the next verse. All.by.myself.
  3. And, finally, you don’t have this right yet. Yes, blog trolling CEO, yesterday when I pulled up at 9:00 am, you asked me if I wanted a bacon sundae. Uh… for breakfast? I was glad to get my french toast sticks and to get out of there.

So, please, one voice. One garbled, monotone, stable voice. That’s all I want when I get to the drive thru. If you have something new on the menu, maybe you could put a small sample of it in my bag.

Wait.

No free samples! I have to fit back into my pants.

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